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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27821116">Helpless</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethina/pseuds/aethina'>aethina</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>my emotions through writing [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Basically, Canon Compliant, Chimera Ant Arc, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Overthinking, Suicide mention, This is very short, i prefer to tag just in case, idk how to tag, just pain tbh, my thoughts told through killua, self-harm ??</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:22:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>376</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27821116</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethina/pseuds/aethina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>Helpless</strong><br/>/ˈhɛlpləs/</p><p>  <em>adjective</em></p><p>Unable to do anything to help yourself or anyone else.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gon Freecs &amp; Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>my emotions through writing [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Helpless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i started writing these for myself a while ago and though why not post it? so i'm starting this as a series!</p><p>this is totally opposite to when your eyes lay upon me....<br/>but still thank you for reading, and i hope its still somewhat good??</p><p> </p><p>you can find me on twitter: @kiliuhan</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Killua hates it. The uselessness he feels weightning on his heart. </p><p> </p><p>He feels useless. Totally helpless. Powerless.</p><p>He isn’t able to help and save the person he loves the most.<br/>
He can only cry and let the anger and disappointment consume him from the inside. </p><p> </p><p>Why, why.. <em>why</em> is he so useless? </p><p>He was supposed to be able to handle pain, so why does it hurt so much?</p><p> </p><p>All his life he’s been taught not to feel.</p><p>‘Don’t let your emotions guide and control you.’<br/>
‘Emotions are useless for you. A good assassin doesn’t need them.’<br/>
‘Just <em>kill</em>.’ </p><p>Words playing in his mind almost automatically from being repeated to him his whole life.</p><p> </p><p>All this however had changed very quickly when Gon entered his life.<br/>
Making his heart react in an instant.</p><p>For the first time, he thought it wasn’t so bad to <em>feel</em>.<br/>
He actually wanted and longed to discover more. He wanted to learn to love Gon. </p><p>Yet he wished he didn’t have to experience the emotions he was right this instant.</p><p>Seeing Gon losing to himself. Finding himself helpless in front of him.<br/>
He knows Gon needs someone, that he’ll end up destroying himself if he can’t get to him.</p><p>And yet.<br/>
The words won’t come out. </p><p>He feels the doubt rise in his chest. </p><p> </p><p>Would it even be enough? </p><p>Would he find the right words?</p><p> </p><p>In this state, would Gon even <em>listen</em> to him…?</p><p> </p><p>He’s not sure. And in his doubt, his throat feels tight, his mouth is dry. Like a punch being delivered to his lungs, he’s out of breath. </p><p>He finds himself unable to speak. </p><p>Unable to help. </p><p>Unable to save.</p><p>Only able to <em>watch</em>.</p><p>The person he slowly learned to love and ended up loving with his whole being, the person who saved him, changed his life and now meant everything to him, the only time he felt truly happy.</p><p>He was ready to fight and die with him. Only now he was seeing this one special person destroy himself. </p><p> </p><p>It was worse than any pain he had been inflicted or subjected to in his childhood. </p><p>Worse than anything he could ever imagine. </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t want to lose Gon. He couldn’t.</p><p> </p><p>If he did, what was the point anymore..?</p>
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